Who The Hell Is Hajime
by Idominant
Summary: Just when Hajime and Sai decide to have a guys night out they end up killing Orochimaru.Will Sasuke take this sitting down. This is my first story if you have time read and review it.


_Who the hell is Hajime?_

It all started with a freak accident that blessed the leaf with a prodigy. He went through the ninja academy and quickly became Jonin. 2 years later he set his site on becoming Hokage but a certain blonde knuckle-head was always in his way.

"Hajime gimme back my ramen" Naruto shouted angrily as he chased Hajime from building top to top.

"Naruto-Baka is this any way for a Hokage to act. I only wanted a taste" Hajime joked playfully. Naruto then reached for his kunai and tossed it straight ahead with no effort.

"Bulls eye!!!!!!!!!" Naruto exclaimed. The kunai hit Hajime right in the right buttocks and due to unreasonable pain and pleasure he lost his balance and fell off the roof top. Naruto realizing what he had done rushed immediately to his aid and caught him before he hit the ground.

"Dude are you o.k." Naruto choked out innocently.

"What the f*** take it out!!!!!!!" Hajime screamed.

"Hold on. I got it"

"Awwwwwwwwwwww…….. Not so hard I'm delicate"

"Dude your being such a pansy"

_Hmmmmmmm……. Maybe if I start thrusting it in there it'll go deeper, Naruto thought_

With great effort Naruto pushes the kunai deeper into Hajime's a$$.

"What am I gonna tell Sakura?" Hajime wondered aloud while limping towards Naruto.

"The same thing I tell Hinata if you would have let me pull it out it would have got sticky" Naruto joked.

With ramen on the mind and feeling a little awkward Hajime limp home.

(_2 hours later)_

"Hajime-Baka what took you so long?" Sakura asked seething with anger, when she saw Hajime limp through the door.

"I had to limp home honey. Naruto was probing in my butt hole again." Hajime explained.

"What!!!!!!!!! After 2 years of marriage you won't let me probe in your butt yet, alone touch me. But when Naruto asks you open your legs for him." Sakura spat with anger.

"Stupid is as stupid does Satsuki" Hajime mocked Forrest Gump.

"Sakura!!!!!!!!!!!Sakura!!!!!!!! Sakura S-A-K-U-R-A, my name is Sakura!!!!!!" Sakura screamed.

_Why I always get the bitchez, Hajime thought_

"Umm... I have to go get some milk" Hajime lied

"Whatever just don't take forever like last time. You said you'd get some milk and you brought Tsunade" Sakura reminded him

Hajime hopped up from his chair and walked out the door. But before he left Hajime had to mark his territory. "Fire style: phoenix flower justu"Hajime shouted and great gusts of fire arose as he breathed. The house was ablaze in mere seconds. Hajime couldn't control his urge to grin as he heard Sakura's scream of pain.

"To the gay bar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hajime yelled aloud.

Upon reaching his destination (Bogey's house of the gays) Hajime threw open the doors.

"Yo Hajime pop a squat and sit right here bro" the strange pale teenage boy we all know and love said.

"Sup Sai. What brings you to a place like this?" Hajime questioned.

"Temari pissed me off and I burnt her and my house."Sai cried, "I should have got geico."

"Hey look at those lovebirds" Hajime pointed towards Sasuke and Orochimaru making out at the lower section of the bar

_Wow! Sasuke is sucking Orochimaru dry. No wonder Sakura left him_

"Sai I got an idea. Let's play a prank on Orochimaru-San" Hajime suggested.

"Sure let me here "Sai said still watching Sasuke and Orochimaru

Hajime whispers his mischievous plan into Sai ear as he nods in approval. They waited for Orochimaru to leave Sasuke and make sure Sasuke was going home before setting out for Orochimaru's house.

"Now I'm lost which way did he go again?"Hajime asks with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

"Follow me" Sai said taking charge

Sai and Hajime jump from the bar balcony, where they waited for Orochimaru and took a sharp turn and headed straight for the Woods. Part 2 of their plan was near all they needed was the hope that Sai knew where Orochimaru lived. After making a sharp left the forest of trees opened to show a small run down house in the middle.

_Good lord no wonders he is gay, Sai pondered._

Now it was Hajime part of the plan he had to make sure he timed his words perfectly. Still a little tipsy from the Vodka Hajime limped towards the door and started pounding on it. I creaked open as a pale snake like face pushed it open.

"What do you want?" Orochimaru said smugly.

"Ummmmmmm they cancelled Queer eye for the straight guy"Hajime blurted out.

'What!!!!!!!!!!!!!"Orochimaru screamed in agonizing pain from this news.

It was then that Hajime turned the other cheek and took off running full blast towards the forest of trees. _Right, left up Right_ Hajime memorized as he tried to get to part 3 of his plan. When he finally turned left again the forest opened up to a cemetery and Hajime dived behind a memorial statue. Orochimaru finally made it to the cemetery only to be confused as he did a 360 rapidly in search for Hajime.

"Hey come look at this" a cloaked stranger whispered, "look what I have here"

Orochimaru peered down where the stranger pointed only to be disappointed when he saw only an empty grave.

"See you in hell sucka" Sai yelled as he took off his cloak and kicked Orochimaru inside. Hajime dived from behind the memorial long enough to throw a kunai bomb down the grave causing Orochimaru to be buried alive. They both just sat there watching as they completed their four way prank.

"By the way how did you know where Orochimaru lives anyway" Hajime added

"Uhhh I Googled it yesterday" Sai answered.

"Dam Google maps" they jumped as they heard this from the grave.

"Yea let's get the hell outta here" Hajime said. Hajime and Sai then laughed all the way to the dumpster due to the homeless thing. After getting through the hangover the two was escorted to the square. Turns out Tsunade and the whole village found out about the death of Orochimaru and were putting together a ceremony for them.

"Thanks to you the leaf is a better place and –"Tsunade preached as Hajime and Sai signed autographs, laughed, and danced. Sai left while Hajime still decided to sign one more autograph. As his last fan left Hajime headed back to the dumpsters, but someone had other plans for him.

"Not so fast Hajime"Sasuke screeched. "Where do you get off drinking in a bar all night, killing my man and getting an award for it."

"Look bro I'm really sorry about that Sai and I were real drunk." Hajime tried to explain.

"I'm going to kill you!!!!!!!!!!" Sasuke choked out while dashing towards him with a kunai.

In an instant Hajime lashed out his kunai and blocked. The only during the night was the sound of metal clashing. Simultaneously Hajime and Sasuke dropped their kunai and went hand to delivered a rib breaking kick to Sasuke jaw, but it was only a substitute.

_Where is Sasuke? Hajime pondered._

A faint sound came from behind Hajime getting louder and louder. It sounded like a 1000 birds chirping at the same time. To Hajime's surprise when he turned around Sasuke jabbed his Chidori in his chest. As blood oozed out of his stomach Hajime wondered, _is this it, am I staring death in the face._

"You this all could have been avoided if you just would have left my man ALONE!!!!!!!"Sasuke screamed, "Now you'll never live to be Hokage. Any last words?"

Hajime spat out more blood. _Think Hajime, Think._

With a clever grin on his face Hajime reached in his pouch and pulled out his secret weapon.

"I learned this from Kakashi. Secret Taijustu: A thousand years pain" With that last word Hajime thrusted his secret weapon: the dildo up Sasuke's ass. Sasuke screamed in agonizing pain as he realized this was it he was going to die.

"Awwwwwwwww…… What the f*** man. This is madness." Sasuke cried.

"Madness? Ha This the LEAF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hajime lunged and kicked Sasuke in the pit of death that was miraculously behind Sasuke.

Hajime limped to the hole and watched as Sasuke plunged to his grim death.

"Should've had a V8" Hajime said aloud as he walked back to the dumpster.


End file.
